Will time heal?

"I'm ready to forgive you but forgetting is a harder fight." - Little Do You Know, Alex & Sierra

Here it is about pain. People say that time will heal all wounds, all pain. Even Adele said that. Well, she said that people say that while she actually "ain't done much healing".  

I actually doubt this statement. How can you be completely healed if the flesh is cut too deeply that you bleed too much? And even, to be back to how you used to be,  to how things as they once were before you are stabbed?

People can expect you to be better after certain period of time.

But, they cannot expect you to be exactly as you once were, especially the ones that have caused the pain. Because in the healing process, you might miss to pick up the pieces of yourselves that are shattered to very tiny pieces that they are almost impossible to be glued back.

The pain might still be felt though the wound is getting better. Doubts might replace the trust you had for some people.

The healing process will present the most pain. It is not to be poetic but I think it is the case for most people. And I think that's the reason some people choose to become emotionally numb; to ease the agony of the healing process. 

Speaking from my own experience, I chose to be numb emotionally because I had the idea that that was the best way at the moment for me to recover from my pain; be numb - forget everything - forgive them and get recovered. At the time, I found it impossible to just forgive them when the memories with them were still living inside of me. Hence, I forced myself to feel nothing towards them in order to help me to forget.

The idea of this emotional numbness might seem like running away from your problem and feelings. But 'running away' bears a rather bad connotation. A healing process sounds better.

To be numb, I had to make efforts to forget everything about the people who caused the pain, in this case my friends who had a very special place in my heart but one day I came to know that they talked behind my back. I can't really call this process of forgetting things about them enjoyable. What is it to enjoy when you have to force yourself to feel nothing to some people you've once given almost the best of you to them? You turn yourself into a robot, maybe not completely a heartless cold robot, but rather a 'rational' one who can still think straight and try to not cause any physical harm to any living creatures. Through this process, I continuously reminded myself;

Do not feel excited when they text, call or tag you on social media.
Do not smile back brightly at them just because they just smile brightly at you.
Do not ask how they are doing just for the sake of not wanting things to be awkward.
Delete all the pictures of you with them on your phone (I was quite lenient in this step; I transferred all the pictures into my laptop because I rarely open it before deleting them from my phone).

Before going through the healing journey, I knew deep down that I wanted this numbness to be temporary; just until I gained my strength back. After all, I didn't want to cut ties with them. I still considered them as friends; friends who happened to just hurt me. I wanted to give them their chances. But before that, I must give myself the opportunity first to forget and eventually to forgive.

It took months to forget everything about them and about a year to be able to forgive them, to feel okay back and to be able to smile voluntarily at them without my heart feeling heavy. And I thought this was it, that I was completely cured. But I guess I was wrong. When these friends recently started to act all goofy and to be close to me like nothing has ever happened, I feel scared. I am scared for another betrayal.



Now that my feelings are back, I feel scared.


And now, I think some parts of me might never be the same again.